My Testimony

Hey everyone!

 This has been one of those posts that take so much thought to compose. It's a special post and it's also an intimidating one because I'm revealing so much to strangers. However, I feel that God has called me to post this no matter what the feedback may be. 

I'm going to be sharing my testimony with you. Just a warning, this is going to be a long post. Let's just get started. 

 I didn't grow up in a home that had dinner at the table every night. I wasn't taught at a young age how to be a daughter of Christ. My family never prayed together unless it was a special holiday. My point is, I wasn't one of the lucky kids who was born into a Christian home. When I moved to America, my family found a church to attend and we went regularly. I was still young at the time and outside of church I had no influence of God. I was the kid who went to church because my parents forced me to. I got baptized when I was in 4th grade, but I've always believed that baptism was because I felt like I had to do it.

I don't know if it's the constant moving that caused me to seek attention. It was like I had this desire to be held on to by somebody and I couldn't satisfy that need. I didn't find satisfaction in friends so by 8th grade I was seeking attention from boys. Innocent little 8th grade Claire was probably the most gullible girl. I wanted to be wanted by a man. If I could tell my 8th grade self one thing, it would be that God was standing there with His arms wide open ready to take me in. Of course I couldn't see that. Or maybe I didn't want to see that. 

I won't go into detail because I don't feel that's relevent to this post, but I find myself in a horrible situation with a guy. Long story short this situation not only destroyed my life, but took every single relationship I had in my life. It was the lowest my life has ever been. I had to go through humiliating discussions with counsilors and police officers. The little privacy I had as a middle schooler was completely invaded. I was empty. 

You would think at this point I would've surrendered. Nope, at this point I was in complete defense mode. On my way to counsiling I would scream in my head "How can you be real if you destroyed my life God?! Aren't you supposed to fix everything?" He was silent. Not because He didn't want to talk to me, but because it was my turn to run towards Him. Day after day my heart whittled away. 

This went on until sophomore year. My parents eventually spoke to me again. I had a sense of privacy again. I took full advantage of that. I was back to attention seeking from guys. I was the feshman girl that got attention from the senior guys. The bad attention. My lustful desires were being met but my heart was dry. 

The summer before Junior year I surrendered. I cried and I prayed. I prayed hard and I prayed consistently. It's funny to me how God, our Creator, our Father, forgives us before we even realize we have sinned. However, we as humans could take months or years to forgive ourselves. I'm still learning to forgive myself. I found God and my soul was on fire for Him. 

That lasted about a year before

 I started slipping into temptations again. Now it may seem by this timeline of events that I did every sinful thing in the book, but that's not the case. I was still a virgin. That doesn't excuse the sinful acts I participated in. 

 I was living for God. I was serving in church and my relationship with my family was so strong. Once again a few months later I was drowning in temptations. You would think I would've learned a lesson or two by now. The only difference now was that I was an adult. That made things so much worse. I had to make my own decisions and I didn't seem to make the right ones. I found myself in situations with guys that I will never forget. Several of them I don't know how I made it through with my virginity protected. 

Do you notice the seasons of my unGodly life? It was like a black and white pattern. I was falling in and out for the last 18 years of my life. 

Here's where the permanent change took place. Last summer I said a prayer. I prayed that God would take control. I wanted Him to selfishly take every thought I had and make it about Him. I wanted to live for Him. He answered my prayers. I was submerged in grace and love. I felt overflowing with comfort from the Lord.

 I went to summer camp with my church last year and I met a guy there. I thought this couldn't be more perfect. How cute would our story be at our wedding? Two camp counsilors who met at a Christian camp, fell in love, and lived happily ever after. That wasn't exactly what happened. A few weeks after the hype of camp burnt out, I started to see his true colors. The relationship quickly ended.

I feel that God tested me with that relationship. He wanted me to trust in Him with everything, even my dating relationships. After that I was done. Truly done. I prayed again that God would selfishly take control. He did. 

For the rest of the year I didn't have any contact with guys. I was fully devoted to God and my school work. When I say fully devoted, I truly mean it. I was so absorbed in God it was like the darkness of the world was a blur. I was putting all my heart into serving and praising the Lord in everything I do. 

I still live this way now. I am so strong in my faith and my self esteem and confidence is great. I had to go through the absolute lowest and most painful season of my life in order to be saved and washed white. One thing I have learned throughout my life is that God is forever forgiving. He will never turn from you. He will always forgive and he knows what you are going through. 

God's grace and forgiveness is an ocean of wave after wave crashing into you. He loves you so dearly. If you are struggling with a desire for affection, I encourage you to prayer for the same things I did. I hope you guys enjoyed this post and getting an inside look at my journey. 

Claire